A common sense guide to common courtesy in the age of Facebook and low-rise jeans.
A Facebook wall is not a place for condolences. Send a sympathy card. Don't be a Facebook asshole.
Dear iphone owners: You have an iphone. You definitely got the email. Don't be an iphone asshole.
To the perma-sick: No one cares about your 13th cold this year or your cramps. There's dead people in rubble somewhere. Don't be a hypochondriac asshole.
If someone takes the time to think of you. Take the time to thank them. Don't be an ungrateful asshole.
Don't ask a co-worker personal questions. You're the accounts payable lady, not her mom & she's not ready to tell you if she's pregnant. Don't be a nosy asshole.
Your friend invited you to eat a $125 plate of food & enjoy an open bar. Yes, you bring a gift to a wedding. Don't be a wedding guest asshole.
Use a coaster. Don't be an asshole in a house.
Take time to actually read the menu before you ask the server about the beer list or salad dressings. Don't be a dining asshole.
Lactose intolerant? Really? So cheese makes you a little gassy. Welcome to eating food. Shut up. Don't be a whiny asshole.
If you're asking a stranger to be Facebook friends, your profile shouldn't be on private lockdown. And include a message with your request. Don't be a creepy Facebook asshole.
If you’re late, call! Don’t make the person waiting for you to pick up the phone to see where you are. Don't be a flaky asshole.
Someone invited you to his house and will offer you food and drinks. Bring something! Don't be an asshole guest.
If someone wanted you to know how much something cost, she would’ve kept the price tag on. Again, don't be a nosy asshole.
A conversation is a two-way street between two people. If you need a full hour to talk, there's plenty of walls available to listen. Don't be a conversational asshole.
You don’t have make a big deal out of grabbing the the plastic divider bar to separate your eggs & diapers from my wine & Red Vines. Don't be a supermarket asshole.
Dear Spin Class Lady that sprints at a 1 while the rest of us schlep up the "hill" at a 10: We're not impressed! Follow instructions! Don't be a spinning asshole.
If you need to talk at a volume level appropriate for an arena concert, perhaps don't socialize in a courtyard surrounded by apartments at 3am. Don't be a loud asshole.
If you know the treadmill next to you doesn't work, say something to your fellow gym patron. Don't jog silently, while they push buttons to no avail. Don't be a gym asshole.
Dear Servers: Stop asking if I'm "still working on this" before clearing my plate. I'm enjoying food, not jackhammering a sidewalk. Don't be a service asshole.
Gym equipment isn't furniture. If you have to sit on a machine & stare into space for 5 minutes in between reps, you're not ready for so many reps. Don't be a gym asshole.
No one wants to come to your show. No one wants your postcard. No one wants to carry your postcard during the rest of the party. Don't be a publicity asshole.
Emails don't evaporate. You're disorganized. Don't be an email asshole.
Wear a bra. Fine, you don’t have any boobs. But you have nipples. And we can see them. Don't be an undergarment asshole.
The Wave. Don’t underestimate the power of the wave when another driver lets you in. Don't be a driving asshole.
I know you hate bartending but…could you not act like I just asked you to donate a kidney on Christmas morning when I ask for a menu? Thanks. Don't be a service asshole.
There are people in your home so...clean your toilet. No one wants to sit in a nest of your waste. Don't be a disgusting asshole.
Can I sit here or did your bags also pay full fare? Don't be a mass transportation asshole.
I'm sorry my fingers grazed the fork I handed you. Please make me feel bad at it and ask the busboy for a new one. I hope his ass grazed it. Don't be a germ asshole.
Yes, you're a superior human being because you don't watch TV. I'm sure you're using that free time for charity work instead of bragging at parties. Don't be a cultured asshole.
Yes, I have a pen you can borrow. Please don't bother to hand it back to me so I don't have a pen at all. Don't be a pen borrowing asshole.
Thank you for replying to my email. Too bad you didn't bother to really read it and I now need to take time out of my life to repeat myself. Don't be a reply asshole.
